Do you think I’m arrogant, that I’m all talk, etc.?
Yes and no.
I told you about this before already; about your pride. I didn’t go into it comprehensively, obviously, but you tend towards the judgmental side. You bolster yourself with good ideas, but fail at the basics of regularity and rhythm, which is why you don’t really have joy.
But it’s also a “no” because you are sincere about progressing past all of these things, even if you are a tad misguided on how to achieve it. You have this almost invincible faith in your own ability to find the way, or, when you concede on an external authority, it must only be through the parameters which you have pre-determined. Unfortunately, those parameters were drafted by the same psyche that requires help.
You operate on the animating force of electricity; the positive and the negative in tension forcing an arc, a spark between both. Like Frankenstein’s monster, you’ve hobbled together what knowledge and good flesh you can from the dead and then electrified it with polemics. Polemics: the violence of the positive and the negative.
You find energy in condemning someone who fathers a half-breed, for example. Energy enough to seem final about such a thing. There is no peace there. Part of it, I suspect, is because without this electrifying energy, you would feel flat; uninspired; without much to write or think about. You have trouble sitting still; being at peace — having rhythm and regularity — and you go from one excitement or salve to another like magnetism. Thus, of course you’re prideful and arrogant in one sense. It’s how you generate your electrical charge for your life. You zap your foes like smiting them with lightning — whether they’re ideas or people. These opposites inside of you have not learned to co-exist. They have not reached synthesis. Instead, you — consciously or unconsciously — derive energy from their tension, and then when something interrupts your circuit. When something tries to get you to let go of the poles, you reject it; you grow weary of it; you feel nauseated or just lose all energy. Anything that doesn’t conduct the electricity you are harnessing robs you of that energy that you feel so vitalized by, and like the lightning cloud, you have to build up enough energy and recharge yourself before unleashing another thunderbolt.
You have not learned to burn steadily. You merely wait for the tension to grow and release. You do that with your addictions, your thoughts, your relationships, etc.; and it makes sense that you hold all of these negative ions in attraction to you, all of these people that want to tear you down in your orbit, because that’s what they’re looking for, as well. The thrill of electricity running between, like the sensationalism of someone saying “I don’t talk to those that spawn half-breeds!” — what a current of power! It’s why the sadomasochism on your channel is so enticing to people, because they can feel alive.
The problem is that you’re swimming in a world of polemics and warfare. The problem is that without a solid foundation — without understanding your true self — then you will be lost and will be subject to the whims and fancies of the mob.
There is a reason why, in Christian hermetic circles, they say that, “the Emperor has become Occult.” I interpret that partly to mean that, without a visible emperor, the imperial throne resides hidden in the human person. Without becoming our own imperator, we cannot be at all effective in the outside world, except as kamikaze pilots: in essence, burning-out for a cause. Without your own interior foundation — without maturing first in yourself and finding your center; without resolving, individuating, and coming to terms with your interior self — everything that you do will be tainted or shaky like a house built on sand. As your mind shifts here and there — or as the mob quakes the earth — you will topple like a house of cards every now and then. Your interior palace will be in ruins.